A dosser and a dwad.

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Freedom of speech does mean freedom to talk bollocks, unfortunately.

In case it gets deleted:

Fuck off.

Ooh, lemme guess. Is it "twerk"? I bet it is. It's "twerk", isn't it.

I'm changing my name to Bo Jones. If I write my name in block caps, surname first, people might buy my books.

Honourable mention, surely :

Should've spent the money on players, Sullivan. #westham

It works though.

Getting a Walkie Talkie suntan...

That's it then - Palace are definitely going down.

Well said,

"If you are still alive, You are to contact us back immediately" #targetedmarketing

Unfriendliest menu I've ever seen. #REPRIMAND

Variety is the spice of life, ....

My junk mail folder. Why is the fact that they're "local" so important?

Hard day's work ahead for me.... but not this hard:

Well done, , that's another PR coup. You arseholes.

Couldn't resist in the end. Borrowed £25. Well worth it. is charm personified.

If you've done nothing wrong...

Wahey (etc)