I can't believe people have unfollowed me just because I haven't tweeted for two years. I will return to Twitter on September 14th 2017.
That's my netbook, the telly and a small bottle of disgusting Jagermeister.
There it is again. Will they catch the villains? No-one knows.
The police helicopter. This is all very exciting. My microwaved soup will have to wait.
Here is a mind-bending photo taken in a toilet cubicle in Spain. Safe for work.
Here is a photo of my legs and feet, in Barcelona. Sunburn is beginning to develop.
In homage to the return of Robbie Williams, here's a bit of my book, featuring him.
A photo of me taking a photo of myself in a Barcelona restaurant mirror. Cryptic.
Today's topical news pic shows Anne Robinson facing the ageism and sexism of TV.
I just made a steak sandwich using reduced-price-about-to-expire-Sainsburys steak. Here.
The famed All Bran chocolate bars. They said it would never happen.
Because my public demanded it, here is a photo of my tuna jacket potato.
My much-bitten thumb, looking a bit like a vole's penis.
And here's some griebenschmaltz on a cracker. It was a gift from my brother-in-law.
What's that? Is it a delicious yoghurt with cornflakes in it? No. The "cream" is fat, and the "cornflakes" are onion. Griebenschmaltz.
The other day my nephews saw a wasp stuck in a spider's web, trying to escape. It was very exciting.
This was my brother-in-law's choice. He plumped for the black pudding and liver. It was 'chewy'.
This was my breakfast. I'm supposed to be on a diet, but I had to show my brother-in-law a good time.
Is this the most hated man in Britain?
If you look at the CCTV of that jewel robbery you can distinctly make out the ghost of Michael Jackson.
One of the top BBC stories is about a cat rescuing a man from a fire.
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