tweetin' like a moafucka
It's Friday. Fuck it. #YES
No time to explain. #waitwhat?
Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back. #TRUTH
@MensHumor "Do you have somewhere I could put my boner?"
"Eels always look like they just told a joke and are waiting for a reaction."
They call me Exploding Muffin Dad #TheWayMyDoughPops
I love s'mores. #Dericious
Rule #177 You can't be old and wise if you were never young and crazy.
Eject Yourself before you wreck yourself.
"I'm strong, because I've been weak. I am fearless, because I've been afraid. I am wise, because I've been foolish."
You... Yes, you there... I don't like you. #SimpleEnough
R̶i̶n̶g̶ Drag out the old. R̶i̶n̶g̶ Drop in the new.
You may think the grass is greener on the other side. But if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green.
Dog, you are not a shirt. #punny
@_itsmagic Craw so hard motherfuckers wanna fry me #puntastic
"You all laugh because I am different, I laugh because you are all the same."
"We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't f*ck them." - JW
"Well damn, Camembert, you called to tell me you're runny?" #imacheesesnob RT @newyorker
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