My greatest ambition is to own a Giraffe and ride it into the West End. And to build a hotel for goats, up a tree.

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I might be a bit grumpy today

I'm taking a break from work and changing into my fly-slaying outfit

Really? Couldn't proofread a 160 character bio on a business account? No? Too much work? FFS.


Mum's message...

Mum's card...

Dad's message...

Dad's card...


...winner of Britain's Next Top Model

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm providing my colleagues with some sugary shit to chow down on...


Handwritten tweet.

People in crouch end have disco balls made of CRYSTALS

The wind just blew all the foam off my latte

I despair. Someone decided on this company name (excuse my manky nails)

The quality of spam I'm getting has descended from the usual 'Grow your cock' to 'Cover your phone in cock'.

Is it wrong to send this card to my dad for Father's Day? Does it say "Happy Fathers Day. I think you're a COCK!"

Today I am wearing ALL the colours (almost)

I feel cheerful today. I even LOOK a bit cheerful today. Excuse the bed hair/face.