Jenny Johnson

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Writer, proud Texan, asshole and owner of 2 dogs. Follow me on Instagram: jennyjohnsonhi5

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Fuckin shit up at the Houston Rockets game with Mrs. Bun B, and #GoRockets #GoTexans

When I wake up at night, thirsty as shit from day drinking, I reach for a Zero. #IWantFreeVitaminWater

Hank the alarm clock. I tried to push his nose for snooze, didn't work. #HungryHungryHank

When I drink Zero I drink the fucking shit out of it #TryingToGetFreeVitaminWaterZero #AmIDoingThisRight

Thank you to for letting me write for them this month. Pick up a copy, fools!

. I'm obsessed. #GoldAllInMyRangs #PopAMollyImSweatin

Everyone welcome to Twitter. He's 's bro and my new life coach.

Me and are ready for some Houston Texans football!!!! #GoTexans #BullsOnParade

I'm gonna live everyday of 2013 just like this

If you've ever wondered why I'm so fucked up, this text exchange between my mom and I might give you some insight.

Merry Christmas, Fuckers!!!! #LoveYall

I had a great time at the #USWNT soccer game last night with my dates/bodyguards and #GoTexans

Looking for a third for this 'Dog Centipede'. Any takers? They accept humans too.

This was tweeted to the Pope by a distinguished member of Team Breezy. It's now my favorite tweet of all time.

I bet this has something to do with Kate Middleton getting pregnant. #Seamen

Houston Texans sweatpants n' Uggs by the fire. #FuckIt

Sorry, Lee Corso. But I'm gonna take a pass on your "Cornhole Challenge."

Chris Brown beats a woman up, calls people 'faggots' and wins Grammys. I write jokes about him and I'm racist? Wow.

"Sweet Jesus. Please stop what you're doing. This is a goddamn embarrassment." - Ryan Lochte's dog

The 3rd meeting of the "Jeggings Enthusiast Club" was tonight. and me rule