Perhaps my only flaw is my crippling inability to differentiate between a small horse and a large pony.
"@cswenski1 Huge argument with my girlfriend about whether it's fine to smoke just a little bit of crack." Indeed.
Zoomies ain't the pussy magnets I hoped for. I can literally see the poon I'm not getting from 400x further away.
"@KineticRev Smoked Salmon Hash & a Fried Egg kineticrev.me/13Dup6V" Healthy cooking just like the Reese Cupookie!
MISSING: one (1) shampoo, one (1) hairbrush, six (6) teeth. If found, please return to Amy c/o the police.
Now a major motion picture starring Daniel Day-Lewis!
Unwrapped Mini Crisp Wafers in Milk Chocolate ('cause u know yo fat ass ain't got time to unwrap). #MERICA #NASCAR
"You Retard" if U pay top dollar for a Kool-Aid clone because it's marketed as healthy. Also, "You Fat", probably.
iOS7 is super user friendly! Ding Dong! Whizzzzzz! Meep Meep! Rattle! Also, Siri is now a cloud flying a plane!
The eyes. . . the hair. . . the skin. . . UGH. . . this #northamptonclown is terrifying!
Parenting the strong-willed child? They ain't strong-willed, they're a damn brat BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT!
It appears that the @MileyCyrus and @robinthicke VMA performance is infectious!
#BetterBatmanThanBenAffleck A man is just flesh and blood and can be ignored or destroyed...*please turn the page*
Glad to see @TacoBell has finally taken a stand against cock teasing. It's about time! #NoMoreNo
"@UberTips A shaving cut will immediately stop bleeding if you put Chapstick on it." Good 2 know. #ReservoirDogs
Its name wasn't Frankenwereshark. Dr. Frankenwereshark made it & it was known as Frankenwereshark's monster!
Willem Dafoe was never traditionally handsome, but he's really let himself go!
Sir, what do U mean your marriage was ONCE illegal? I'm certain you're not allowed to marry a Chevy Astro van. #DOMA
"@RobDurhamComedy I want 2 B famous enough 2 where artists draw shitty cartoon versions of me" U R welcome. #TROGDOR
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