Perhaps my only flaw is my crippling inability to differentiate between a small horse and a large pony.
I don't always wear #Mizunos, but when I do, they discontinue the model. #MostInterestingRunnerInTheWorld #LastPair
"@UberTips Sleeping is a cure to forget about pain, problems, stress and everything for a while." Not so much.
To be fair, the Travolta's hair has been worse than it was at the Oscars. Not much worse, but worse. #AdeleDazim
I, for one, think that Nike nailed the look on the new @TBBuccaneers uniforms.
Is it too early to start talking about the best picture at next years Oscars? #Roscars #GGGhost #RubberMask #Steroids
The new @TBuccaneers logo looks a little ridiculous to me. #VeggieTalesFromTheGridiron #sports #sprouts
@SUBWAY now has a sandwich they dump Fritos corn chips on. I really hope Jared didn't throw away those giant pants.
@dominos messed up bigger than a 1st second Super Bowl safety, za under-cooked & top slid off when I put it in oven!
Nice to know @FamilyVideo has "Blue Rays", but I only have a "Deveed Dee" player. At least I retired my "Bay Tahmax".
I know my Wasabi Peas are an authentic Asian treat because they used "oriental font" to write "wasabi". Dōmo arigato!
Dom Toretto, Brian O'Connor, Han Solo, and The Doctor walk into a bar. . .
To make the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs, Dom & the crew will need some "timely" help. GALLIFRAST & GALLIFURIOUS!
Of couse, my last tweet means nothing without a proof of concept. . .
"@cswenski1 Huge argument with my girlfriend about whether it's fine to smoke just a little bit of crack." Indeed.
Zoomies ain't the pussy magnets I hoped for. I can literally see the poon I'm not getting from 400x further away.
"@KineticRev Smoked Salmon Hash & a Fried Egg kineticrev.me/13Dup6V" Healthy cooking just like the Reese Cupookie!
MISSING: one (1) shampoo, one (1) hairbrush, six (6) teeth. If found, please return to Amy c/o the police.
Unwrapped Mini Crisp Wafers in Milk Chocolate ('cause u know yo fat ass ain't got time to unwrap). #MERICA #NASCAR
"You Retard" if U pay top dollar for a Kool-Aid clone because it's marketed as healthy. Also, "You Fat", probably.
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