My dog is using my slippers as a pillow and I don't think I've ever loved him more

My dog's doin coke again :(

Yep, hair mayonnaise is finally a real thing. Still waiting on garlic shampoo and teriyaki shower gel

Other good find: placenta conditioner! I hope it's from the stingray that killed Steve Irwin. Exonerated for making women sexy.

Forget 2012, tragedy has already beset

In case anyone missed the American pride mustache brigade during the Nashville countdown last night, here's my gift to you

This may be the last tweet I ever twitter. Because nothing can top this. Today I saw... a double rainbow.

My dog is an artist. He calls this creation, "Glasses Half Full."

What I look for in a mechanic: goat humor, alcohol humor, some certifications

Found that table of tuna I've been looking for. Phew.

Everything in my life checks out now

I haven't told my parents I got a puppy yet. Thought I'd share it with the Twitter community first.